Step 1 - "/ care"
Tell your child that you care about him or her. Attempt to build upon your relationship to help reduce the potential defensiveness in your child. An example of this approach is "I care about you, and I don't want you to get hurt."

Step 2 - "/ see"
In this step, you need to tell your child what he or she has done that has caused
you concern. Just give the facts, not your opinion, based upon what you have seen or found. An example of this is "When you came in last night, you were three hours late and smelled like alcohol."

Step 3 - "/ feel"
This is where you tell your child about how this behavior or discovery has made
you feel. Be sure to take away any blame from this step. For example, "I am really
worried that you might get hurt or killed ."

Step 4 - "Listen"
This step has to be one of the most important. You will need to listen to what the
adolescent has to say about his or her drug use or driniUng behaviors. Some may not say anything at all at this point, but it is useful to allow this opportunity for the
young person to tell his or her side. It is possible that your child is not ready to
talk. You can tell him or her that you are available to listen to what he or she has
to say at another time.

Step 5 - "/ want"
After hearing your child's side, you need to tell him or her what you want to happen next and what you want your child to do. For example, "I don't want you to use drugs at all." Reinforce that you "want" him or her to continue seeing the therapist if the problem does not get better.

Step 6 - "1 will"
This final step is where you tell your child what you will and will not do in order to
help him or her with this problem. Some may choose to be available to just listen
when the young person chooses to discuss the issue. Other parents may choose to
make an appointment with a chemical health counselor. The best time to talk is
when you have calmed down from the initial shock of learning about your child's
use of alcohol or other drugs. You will need ·to find a place to talk where you can't
be interrupted. The time to talk is not while your child is still under the influence
or alcohol or other drugs. If the problem persists, encourage your child to make an
appointment with the therapist.

Adapted rrom Roger Svendsen. Walking the talk: A program for parents about alcohol, tobacco and other drug use and nonuse. 2d ed. Anoka.
Minn.: Minnesota Institute of Public Health.
2003 by Hazelden Foundation. Duplicating this page for personal or group use is permissible

Too many parents tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. Telling discourages children from developing their wisdom and judgment, figuring out consequences, and seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn. Telling them what, how, and why teaches them what to think, not how to think. This is very dangerous in a society filled with peer pressure, cults, and gangs.

We help children develop thinking and judgment skills by asking them: “What happened? Why do you think it happened? How do you feel about it? How could you use this understanding next time?”

It is important to remember that why, what, and how questions are appropriate only when you have a genuine interest in wanting to know what the child thinks and feels. Don’t ask until you are ready and willing to listen.

Be aware that why questions are often inappropriate when exploring personal motives or feelings. Asking, “Why did you do that?” or “Why do you feel that way?” or “Why are you angry?” sounds judgmental and threatening. It is difficult for people to respond to these questions because they invoke defensiveness and feelings of inadequacy.

Nelson, J., Lott, L., & Glenn, H.S. Positive Discipline A to Z: 101 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems. California: Prima Publishing, 1993

1. Don’t try to hide death and dying from children. Help them learn to be part of it by talking openly about people who are dying and encouraging children to talk with the dying person.

2. Allow children to participate actively in acknowledgments of death, especially of people close to them, so they can achieve a sense of completion. This includes attending funerals, wakes, and memorial services.

3. When a pet dies, help the children plan an appropriate service and burial. Use this as an opportunity to discuss their perceptions of death as part of life.

4. When children are exposed to violent death, discuss openly their fears and apprehensions. Help them identify resources they have so they don’t feel so vulnerable. These might include praying, writing in a journal, drawing, and talking to family members and friends.

Children can learn that death is part of life and that they can face their fears about the future with help and courage. They have many personal resources for dealing with traumatic events. They can also learn to value life more when they know that death is part of it.

Nelson, J., Lott, L., & Glenn, H.S. Positive Discipline A to Z: 101 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems. California: Prima Publishing, 1993

The College Parents of America suggest the following guidelines for parents when talking about alcohol and other drugs with their college students:

1. Set clear and realistic expectations regarding academic performance.
2. Stress to students that alcohol and other drugs are toxic and excessive consumption can fatally poison.
3. Tell students to intervene when classmates are in trouble with alcohol or other drugs.
4. Tell students to stand up for their right to a safe academic environment.
5. Know the alcohol and other drug scene on campus and talk to students about it.
6. Avoid tales of drinking exploits from your own college years.
7. Encourage your student to volunteer in community work.
8. Make it clear-Underage alcohol consumption, alcohol-impaired driving, and other drug use are against the law.

Excerpted from an article that appeared in The College Parent Advisor, published by College Parents of America by William DeJong & Linda Devine.

By 18 months, your baby can actually show signs of empathy, the ability to feel what another is feeling.

The next time you’re on a play date or just strolling through the park with your toddler, call out examples of situations that allow your child to relate emotionally to others.

1. Point out examples: “He’s feeling sad.”
2. And the possibe causes: “He can’t reach the toy.”
3. And solutions: “Maybe a friend can help him.”

baby steps: the truth about milestones: lean on me, baby talk, February, 2012:23.

Sadly, almost 2,000 teenagers pick up the addiction to cigarettes every single day of the year. A third of these kids will eventually die from a tobacco-related illness. If these teens reach 19 years old without smoking, it is highly unlikely they will ever become nicotine addicted.

Why do kids pick up that first cigarette? The reasons are multiple and many are complex. But, there are several actions adults can take to lessen the odds of teenage addiction to nicotine. A vital first step is to prevent tobacco sales to minors. In 1995, more than 80% of Macomb county retail establishments tested in a tobacco compliance check sold cigarettes to minors without asking for identification to check age. In 2011, as a result of a fifteen-year effort to educate retailers about the importance of keeping children tobacco free, Macomb County has reduced the sales to minors to 5%.

What can you do to help keep young people on a tobacco free path? Be vocal when you see a clerk ask for identification if a young person attempts to buy cigarettes. By telling the clerk, “thanks for asking!” you are supporting the clerk’s efforts to follow the law. More importantly, you are joining the many Macomb citizens who care about providing a healthy environment for young people. And please never buy tobacco for an underage person. It is both illegal and wrong.

1. Be knowledgeable and prepared. Read books, pamphlets, etc.
2. Answer questions on the spot. If that is not possible, say you will discuss it later and be sure to follow through.
3. Answer questions honestly.
4. Make answers short and to the point.
5. Just answer the question you are asked…don’t read into it.
6. Use proper terminology such as vagina, penis, sexual intercourse, etc. Explain slang terms but encourage children to use the proper names.
7. It is OK to admit to your child that you are embarrassed or that you don’t know an answer.
8. If you don’t know an answer, find it together. Go to the library, health department, call a hotline or go online to a reliable website.
9. Be alert to situations that encourage discussions on sexual issues (pregnant classmate, movies, and/or TV).
10. Leave appropriate books and brochures lying around the house so that teens will find them.
11. Talk to your child about values. Encourage them to think about what is important for their lives.
12. Educate your child in degrees until all information is known.

Taken from YMCA Swift Program brochure.

Praise teaches dependence on the evaluation of others.  Encouragement teaches self-evaluation.

Praise can be dangerous because it “works” so well.  It can get children hooked on being approval junkies or pleasers.  They may believe, “I am only worthwhile when I do what you want.”

Praise is a reward that has to be earned.  Encouragement is a gift.  No one needs to earn it.  It is for everyone and can be given for effort or improvement.  Encouragement can even be given when a child isn’t doing well or makes a mistake…can you praise at those times?

Self-worth comes from what you think of yourself (self-concept) and what you feel about yourself (self-esteem).  Encouragement is a skill to help children grow in self-esteem and self-concept.  It is a way to show children that they belong and are accepted, capable, and loved.

• Be specific.  Instead of using words that evaluate, describe in concrete terms what you see:  “You put a lot of effort into studying for the test” or “You put all the knives and forks in the right place!”
• Describe the behavior and its consequences.  For example, “Thanks for putting the dishes in the sink.  When we work together, we can get done faster and have more time to spend in the park.”
• Focus on the child’s effort, not the product.  “You practiced hard for your piano recital.”

• Point out how your child has progressed.  “You went from a C to a B. That’s what I call progress.”
• Give control back to the child.  Let her do her own evaluating.  Rather than say, “I’m so proud of you,” say, “You must feel so proud that you did that all by yourself.”  Instead of, “I like the way you shared with Robbie” try “you were able to share your toys with Robbie.”

Many parents come to STEP groups looking for the “discipline spray”. This tool, when properly applied, solves every discipline challenge. I’ve only half-kidded parents that when the FDA approves this substance, I will make sure we include it with every Parent’s Handbook! Discipline is the number one concern of most parents. If this is the biggest concern, STEP should address it in the first chapter, right?

Yes and No.
No – the first chapter of the book is not discipline – focused. In STEP and Teen, the first chapter teaches the goals of misbehavior. Early Childhood STEP chapter one discusses the challenges when raising a young child – temperament, differences in development, the power of expectations. EC STEP moves to purposes of behavior in the second chapter.

Yes -If you know the purpose of the misbehavior, you can begin to discipline. We’ve designed STEP specifically to “avoid” discipline at the start. If we want to solve discipline challenges, we want to have strong tools to solve the concerns. Understanding “why” the child or teen misbehaves is an excellent start to correcting misbehavior.
Look for choices as one of the first tools of effective parental discipline.

Choices are the Answer
Let’s look at a typical discipline challenge. Parent A wants child B to do a specific chore. B refuses. Now what?
1. What is the purpose of the behavior? Is it power, revenge?
2. How can we use choices as the key to effective discipline?
Most parents attempt a “verbal persuasion” along the lines of “NO” or “No, because I say so!” This is often not effective, and children will usually protest or ask the inviting question, “Why?”
Recognize that choices begin with the parent – not the child. Mom can choose to not respond to the “Why?” invitation. Many parents do not see a choice in their response to the misbehavior. As STEP leaders, when we teach parents about choices, a new road toward effective discipline is opened.

Don Dinkmeyer, Jr., Ph.D., STEP author, reprinted from STEPforParents.com

Its back to school and for many parents its back to their son or daughter spending HOURS at the table working on homework.

Well… trying to work on the homework, that is.

For students who have any challenges with learning, especially math, homework that you think should take a half hour to a full hour maximum, takes three to four long hours of huffing, puffing, sighing, and even doodling - which you may interpret as being un-motivated. All of this leads to frustration and can be painful for both you and your child.

Part of the challenge is in understanding. For a parent who didn’t have similar struggles with abstract concepts such as math or whose homework was often completed even before the end of the school day, the daily homework frustrations of their child are confusing and often misinterpreted as laziness.

Step one may be to recognize that your child’s struggle with homework is real. Additionally, for your child, not “getting it” doesn’t feel good.

Step two is to learn more about what’s really behind the struggle.

• Is your child a visual learner?

If yes, are their pictures that can be used to help understand the assignment and help understand the concept that is being taught?

• Does your child struggle in keeping focus?

If yes, is there an opportunity to take a 5-10 minute break? Move away from the table. Engage in gross- motor physical exercise, using big muscle groups. Then come back to the homework task at hand. This helps with brain activity needed to concentrate.

• Does your child struggle with organization? Not just in remembering to bring home the assignment and return to school with it completed the next day, but with organizing words and numbers on a page?

 If yes, can she use a ruler, in reading the assignment as a way to organize the words on a page? Does he need to break down the larger assignment into smaller more manageable parts?

Step three. For children who are able to describe what “hurts”, and what, specifically, is frustrating, then, engage them in brainstorming ways to learn differently.

Lastly, who doesn’t learn more effectively when the topic is related to something of interest? What are your child’s strengths and interests and can that inform a new way to tackle homework?

Put your thinking caps on and be sure to breathe, literally.
The physical action of taking a breath gets our brain in motion.

Best wishes for a successful school-year!

Of course we love our kids. Of course we don’t want them to fail. And of course we always want them to be successful. But always doing, picking up, jumping in, solving, rescuing, or mending fences for our kids sure won’t help them learn to bounce back and survive on their own.

Researchers are seeing this phenomenon of “parental hovering” (aka micro-managing, over-parenting or helicoptering) as a dangerous trend when it comes to how our kids turn out. The long and short is: If we keep the hovering up, we’ll rob our kids of an essential trait for L.I.F.E. called self-reliance!

Let’s lower our flaps. Let’s help our kids handle life. Let’s start parenting our kids so they can cope, pick themselves up and start all over again after a set-back, and let’s help them do so without us.

6 TIPS TO STOP HELICOPTERING AND START RAISING SELF-RELIANT KIDS

1. Identify what your child can do alone and then back off. Maybe it’s time for him to learn to make his own lunch, do laundry, make his bed, call to make his dentist’s appointment. Of course, this will depend on your child’s age maturation, and current capabilities. The goal here isn’t to overwhelm him by piling on your new expectations, but gradually introduce one new task at a time.
2. Stop rescuing. Have you found yourself rescuing your kids a lot lately? “My son is so tired, I’ll do his homework tonight. “My daughter is too busy, I’ll do her chores this time.” It’s an easy habit to get into, but if want to raise a resilient kid, these are major mother “no-nos”.
3. Boost organizational skills so your child won’t use you as his palm pilot. Is your child misplacing library books? Can’t find her sports gear? Losing teacher notes? Chances are your child’s lack of organization is a big reason why you end up rescuing her. So when there’s another trauma, ask instead: “What can you do to solve it?” Learning organization is a skill your child will need for managing his own life so he relies less and less on you as time goes by.
4. Teach children brainstorming so your child can solve problems without you. The next time your child has a problem, don’t be so quick to offer a solution.  Instead teach him how to brainstorm options. Express your faith that he can work things out. Then encourage him to brainstorm ideas. With enough practice, your child will be able to use brainstorming to solve many troubling issues that creep up during the day without your help.
5. Teach negotiation skills.  Do your children constantly expect you to be the negotiator and solve their battles? Wrong move if you want your kids to be able to solve their own battles. Your new tactic: Teach your kids how to negotiate so when the next war breaks out, you can tell your darling cherubs to work it out on their own.
6. Talk about their future regularly.  Encourage your kids to think beyond the here and now: going away to camp, changing schools, college, living in an apartment, career choices. Discussing your children’s lives in the future can be part of your dinner table conversations. Sure they can change their minds (and majors), but the goal is to help your child think towards the future and realize someday he really won’t be living with you.

Borba, Michele. "Here’s some Scary Advice for Parent: Back Off!" GalTime Parenting Pro. n.p., July 19, 2010. Web. Feb., 2011.

They asked principals in each school: “Do you respect your teachers?”
The principals responded, “Yes, I do! I help them as much as I can, I ask their opinion on school policy, and I back them up whenever possible.” So they asked the teachers, “Do you think your principal respects you?”

The teachers responded, “No, he never listens to me when I have a problem and he never takes my input on policy matters, and he always acts like he’s too busy for my problems.”  Then they asked the teachers, “Do you respect your students?” and the teachers responded, “Of course I do. I always have time for them when they come to me with problems, I always make extra time to stay after school when they need help. I never turn any student away. I always tell them to come to me.”
So they asked the students, “Do you think your teacher respects you?”
The students responded, “No, she never has time for me, she always impatient when I have questions, she is always telling me that she’s busy or that I talk too much.”

The moral of the story: Your actions and words don’t always coincide….perception is reality!  What is your tone of voice and body language like when you are talking to them?  Do you make time to listen to them even when you’re busy?  Can they really tell you anything, even it’s an uncomfortable topic, without your face registering disapproval or judgment?

I know that you love your children and would do anything for them. You would listen and solve any problems that they may have and you always tell them how much you love them; but do you think your children know that you love them?

By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Usually these voices speak to us when we least expect it. They talk to us when we wake up in the morning, drive down the road, shop in the grocery store, or exercise.  They make themselves heard while we listen to the radio, work with horses, or write a column for this newsletter.The voices talk to us intermittently. Sometimes we don't hear them for days. At other times they seem to arrive regularly, in rapid succession. We never know when they will show up. Our voices are not predictable. They just pop into our heads sometimes.The voices can be loud or soft. They can sound angry or sincere. They can threaten or encourage. They can be cold or warm.Our voices have a familiar sound. We know who they are. They are the voices from parents past, messages that live on in our heads and hearts.Following are messages from our voices that have spoken to us in the past year.

"Big boys don't cry."

"You are not leaving the house without a belt to hold your pants up."

"You get to have your own pace."

"You need to cut your hair."

"Keep going. You almost had it."

"You could be right about that."

"Don't worry about money. That's my job. If you need some, just come and ask."

"You better do well in algebra, because I can't help you."

"You're wasting your money buying all those baseball cards."

"Wipe that frown off your face."

"I was wrong. I made a mistake."

"You got a mulligan."

"You can take a break whenever you want."

"What will the neighbors think?"

"What do you mean you're not coming for Thanksgiving? We're not going to live forever, you know."

"You're a hard worker. You can handle it."

"You'll know what to do when the time comes."

"I look forward to our time together."

"Thanks for taking care of that. Without your help I probably wouldn't have gotten that done."

"I can get more religion fishing in a boat than I can from going to church on Sunday."

"You need to treat your mother with more respect. Look at all the things she does for you. You need to show her more appreciation."

"Yes, I'll play catch. Let me get a glove."

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"People are different for a reason."

"You get to make your own decisions regardless of what your friends say."

"I love you."

These voices are voices from the past. They were spoken many years ago by parents who were doing the best they could to bring their children up with love and concern. We suspect they did not know at the time that they were planting life sentences in the minds and hearts of their children. We believe that process was largely unconscious on their part.So now we ask ourselves, "What life sentences are we planting, watering, and cultivating in our children? What voices will they be hearing thirty years from now? Will we like what we are telling them? Will they?"

Read early on and read often. The early years are critical to developing lifelong love of reading.  It is never too early to begin reading to your child!  The tips below offer some fun ways to help your child become a happy and confident reader.  Try a new tip each week.  See what works best for your child.

• Read together every day.

Read to your child every day.  Make this warm and loving time when the two of your can cuddle close.

• Give everything a name.

Build your child’s vocabulary by talking about interesting words and objects. For example, “Look at that airplane! Those are the wings of the plane. Why do you think they are called wings?”

• Say how much you enjoy reading.

Tell your child how much you enjoy reading with him or her. Talk about ”story time”  as the favorite part of your day.

• Read with your fun voice.

Read to your child with humor and expression. Use different voice. Ham it up!

• Know when to stop.

Put the book away for awhile if your child looses interest or is having a trouble paying attention.

• Be interactive.

Discuss what is happening in the book, point out things on the page, and ask questions.

• Read it again and again.

Go ahead and read your child’s favorite book for the 100th time.

"Let's go sit by the pond."

"Listen to the wind."

"Let's turn off all the electronics and just be present with ourselves."

"I'm going to meditate for a while. That silence helps me to calm myself."

"No, I'm not taking a Walkman on my jog. I prefer the silence and listening to my own footfalls."

"Let's have a moment of silence before we pray."

"This might be a good time for us to do some inner listening."

"Let's walk up to the next corner without saying anything."

"Seems like a lot of 'crazy' going on right now. Let's sit and count to twenty to ourselves."

"Looks like it's time to find your quiet place within."

Source: http://www.chickmoorman.com/newsletters/indexPar.html
Parent Newsletter, January 2011, Copyright 2011 Chick Moorman Seminars and Thomas Haller Seminars, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.

For a lot of parents, respect means do what I say; however, this attitude usually only generates rebellion in children and does not create an environment of mutual respect.  We want to build an atmosphere of cooperation and self-esteem in children without the interference of misbehavior caused by rebellion, power struggles, and revenge.

Mutual respect means that respect is given and received by both parties.  One person is not valued more because of their age or status.  Instead respect is given to a person because of their place in the human family as well as their place in our hearts.  In homes where mutual respect is practiced, family members are happy and emotionally healthy, and happiness and acceptance are not sought outside of the home with their friends.

Respect is delivered through appropriate concern, well thought out words, tone of voice and body language, as well as honoring the other person’s thoughts and feelings even if you don’t agree with them.  Respect is awareness that children, like adults, have good days and bad days.  When our children are not having a good day and it shows in their behavior, we can still be a model of what respect looks like and we can remember that it stills needs to be modeled when it’s our turn to have a bad day.  As for discipline, have few rules that are based on respect and safety and then enforce them but try to be more flexible with non respect and non safety issues.

The Parents Handbook by Dinkmeyer & McKay states that children who feel respected and treated fairly by their parents will come to value their parents and their opinions more than those of their friends.